Thursday, 13 August 2009

Don't Care About.

1. Kasabian Quarantined In Australia With Swine Flu (from NME).

What route to take with this story? Oh man. It's just too easy isn't it. Quarantined and possibly diseased animals that shouldn't be subjected to the public? The word swine generally? To be honest I think it's easier and more relevant to note how this headline is essentially a list of things I don't care about.

Firstly, poetrenegadeninjalibertineswhatevertheyrefertothemselvesasnow Kasabian. Now Australia, without wanting to cause offense, I don't care about. I went there for a few days and although it looked sunny it was actually really cold. The weather was like an appetising apple (yeah I got that alliteration mayne) that with your first bite reveals a bitten in half maggot and subsequently, your recoiling face. Also, people kept being sick outside this place I stayed at. Seriously, it was like clockwork. I think it was some sort of joke I wasn't in on. Oh oh! There was a hooker that looked exactly like Amy Winehouse too. I say looked like, I mean, Winehouse looks like a hooker anyway so let's just say Amy Winehouse kept loitering outside the vomit house.

Thirdly, is Swine Flu of course. I've capitalised it there because it is super important. People have the NHS helpline on their friends and family numbers, kids are being forbidden from watching Peppa the Pig and some one saying "Swine flu?" after you cough is still HILARIOUS. Still, I don't care about it. Until I'm dying from something, I tend not to care about it. I'm blase like that.

2. Posh Spice Joining The American Idol Panel

Now, I'm not going to say Pop/American Idol is killing music because, well, it isn't is it. There was a lot of shit before these shows and they'll be a whole torrent more after these shows when Simon Cowell is richer than all other men put together and controls Mars by remote control. The 'winners' (oohh check the ironic apostrophes there. Damn bitch.) of these shows are never around for very long and it seems neither are the judges. The show is a testament to the transcience of fame and public opinion more than it is anything else. My personal favourite is of course that Steve huy that won a few years ago who is remembered for nothing other than looking like everybodys Neighbour From Hell (literally) Fred West. Still, if I were to bowl up to my Pop Idol audition and do my thing only to be turned down by a panel including POSH SPICE. As in "As for V she's a real lay-dee...." I wouldn't be too shattered. It's like Andrew Lloyd Webber telling you you're fat and ugly.

EDIT: Look at her in that photo! She looks absolutely ridiculous. I can't imagine knowing someone that looks like that in any capacity. If my hairdresser looked like that, I'd wear a blindfold when I have my haircut. If my window cleaner looked like that, I'd pretend I was out when she was around so I wouldn't have to see her ridiculous face. Oh wait a minute. I do that anyway. For a good reason too. Amount currently owed to window cleaner: £455.

3. Babyshambles Delay Release of Album Due to Industry Slump

So, Music-News, which apparently is a website about *checks* oh wow! music news, is running this story about Babyshambles not releasing their new album because the industry is "tired" and that "...people have got bored because there's a generic sound" these days. Now, I don't know when they see that this slump will subside so they can come out all eyes rolling like a cracky mole into the summer air with new release in hand but, for me, there isn't ever really going to be a window of opportunity for Babyshambles. In fact, there never was. I saw them at my freshers ball and that was one terrible night. They were dreadful, I had no date, I couldn't get drunk. Man. I think the only highlight was that there was no piss on the seat when I went to use the portaloo and that has NOTHING to do with Babyshambles. I can guarantee that.

Obligatory photo of Peter looking like a cracky zombie for you there. It is actually harder to find a 'nice' photo of Pete Doherty than it is one like that. 'Pete Doherty looking nice and wholesome' is not a GIS that is performed very often. In fact, Google probably get more searches on smiling werewolves and 'Cool guy George Bush' than they do 'Pete Doherty looking nice and wholesome'.

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