Monday, 19 September 2011
Friday, 5 August 2011
Let's see if you geniuses can work this one out.
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Before I post my killer rap lyrics, I'd like to get a few disclaimers out there.
1. If my rap sounds like someone else, that's definitely intended. I've never claimed to be original.
2. If anyone reading has a cool voice and wants to record the song under my name, make millions and split the money two ways then I'm down.
3. Don't give me shit about my rap name. Shit's old. I'm talking jurassic fossilised hustle man.
Rarer than a rapper that aint ever seen scarface
Hittin harder than paralysis with no damn neckbrace
Me Ringo you Paul someone called us fuckin’ drum and bass.
I'm sweet, I'm painfu,l hang yo’self wit’ a strawberry lace
Everyone's a rapper goin' harder than the next
And everyone's a rapper chattin' money, cash, cheques
But nobody big enough to say they got a small dick
Now, errbody wanna come follow the jurassic click
People be talking shit wasting nothing but the time
I just twist it up gin and tonic slice of lime
If you see me going crazy just say 'oh its prolly all for the rhyme'
Look at me man, just too white for a life-a crime
Everyone's a rapper stacking stupid big weight
And everyone's a rapper tryna love mad hate
But nobody big enough to say they live with their mom
Now, err'body run when jurassic drop a bomb
Jurassic, Jurassic, how old are you
Check your textbook son dinosaur how we do
Jurassic, Jurassic, you the leanest thing around
Tell me 'bout it man I gots the fat girls droppin' pounds
Everyone's a rapper with the same old music vid
And everyone's a rapper comin' from the broke little street kid
But nobody big enough to say they used to play Perfect Dark
Now errbody wanna come 'round to see Jurassic's Park.
So, that's my rap song. Go hard or go home bitches.
The title of that album I've posted there poses a good and valid question. Where exactly? Well, below are a few possible explanations for my latest bout of procrastination. My God, I swear it's getting worse.
1. Reddit rage comics. These bitches have me laughing approximately five times a day without fail.
2. Breaking Bad is back like it left sum'in.
3. Jay & 'Ye released a stupidly sick song. 'Otis' is everything I want from 'Watch The Throne'. Immeasurable swagger.
4. The world lost it's shit over a phone hacking scandal and the UK lost it's biggest selling toilet roll.
5. I had to go to work and shit.
Creatively though, I haven't completely seized up. I've done some paintings you'll be pleased to hear. More importantly though, I WROTE A RAP SONG. Yeah, you heard me. I was aimlessly not paying attention to the road on the way home the other day and a few lines popped into my head. Before long, I thought 'well blow me. I'm a rapping driver now!' So I raced home (for all you reading policemen - at the speed limit ;)) and scribbled my fire down.
In fact, I think this deserves it's own post....
Saturday, 23 July 2011
“Write about what you know” is a phrase you’ve probably heard many times. The thing with these recycled quotes people parrot out is that sometimes, well, they don’t actually mean anything do they? I mean, seriously, no one wants to hear a song about what you really know. Let me put it this another way – let’s say you’re a college student, for example. No one really wants to hear a song about getting wasted, eating pizza and trying to get girls to take their clothes o....oh no, I apologise, I’m wrong. They actually do. It’s called ‘I Love College’ by Asher Roth.
One time ‘writing about what you know’ usually does work though is when you’re talking about places. Towns, cities, countries. They evoke memories and emotions readily and quite often, you don’t even have to have been there yourself.
1. Whiskeytown – Jacksonville Skyline
I’ve never been to Jacksonville. I don’t even want to go to Jacksonville. I know far too many good songs about Jacksonville to go there and have my preconceptions about the place and feelings about said songs shattered to a million pieces. Ryan Adams for one knows Jacksonville a lot better than I do and has written several songs (Hell, it even features in one of his album titles) about the place but none come close to ‘Jacksonville Skyline’. I’ve listened to this song so many times that I can tell you there’s a mistake after 19 seconds and you can hear a little bounce of a guitar string. Listen out for it if you’re that way inclined. I’ve grown to love that mistake and I swear there’s some sort of teenage quote about imperfections making things perfect that I could use here if I was a Goo Goo Dolls fan or something like that.
Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. “You looked at the Nebraska tracklist for a place related song title and you didn’t choose ‘Atlantic City’?!” Yeah, that’s exactly right punk. Now, I love ‘Atlantic City’, of course I do, but ’Nebraska’ sets up and starts off one of the most remarkable albums I’ve ever heard. Desolate, eerie, haunting and desperate. No, I’m not talking about my flat for once, I’m talking about an album Bruce released as the follow up to the ‘The River’ which, if you’re not aware, went platinum five times. Man’s got some big old balls, you’ve gotta give him that at least.
Alameda is a street in Los Angeles that I’ve never visited so this bittersweet microcosm of all Elliott Smith is about can be fairly included in this wonderful list. A beautifully balanced song with one of those melodies that is so good you can’t help but think that when Elliott died, he took a gift with him that can’t be replicated by anyone else on our little planet.
This song also happens to feature one of Elliott’s most quoted and famous lines ‘Nobody broke your heart/you broke your own cos you can’t finish what you start’ which might be a reference to someone who has a heart attack whilst attempting to eat one of those world record sized steaks but then again, it also might not.
If I make a joke about soft cheese in this write up then punch me in the face. This song was the product of Young being asked to write something for the film of the same name that starred Tom Hanks playing a gay lawyer that is unfairly dismissed for having AIDS. I would say the song is a little more cheery than that brief film synopsis but it isn’t. Put it this way, I can’t listen to it in public because it makes me get all emotional and before you know it well whaddaya know, I’m crying in the street and everyone is laughing at me.
Okay, okay. I admit. This one is a cheat. I actually have been to Memphis so I probably shouldn’t include this one. It was absolutely awesome by the way. If you want to know what it’s like then think about the town you live in. Now think about it doused it in whiskey and multiplied by Elvis. It’s kinda like that. This song is classic The Hold Steady – massive chorus, horns, the word ‘bar’ is mentioned at some point. Plus ten points for the line ‘in bar light she looked alright/in daylight she looked desperate’ too.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
The internet, the internet, the internet. Never has a deep, dark and wholly immoral pit been so multi coloured and alluring. It’s like a direct contrast to those sex shops you’d see around town in the early 90s with completely whitewashed windows and a sign that simply read ‘Private Shop’. Still, for all its perversion, lack of censorship and inaccurate Wikipedia entries that are ruining homework up and down the land, there is one thing it is still amazingly good at and that’s making us laugh. Or LOL. It all depends on how old you are.
May as well have a sign outside that says 'SHOP FOR PERVERTS'.
If you ever read any columns about the internet and how it has impacted on our society you’ll often read about how this mass sharing of easily accessible information is educating us all in the ways of our world or how this all-encompassing network is bringing this globe of ours closer together as it bulldozes social boundaries and smashes all ideologies that stand in its way. For me, though, I think the vast majority of us log on to look at things that ya know, just make us chuckle. Whether it’s that bunny with that pancake on its head or a high school gymnast attempting a somersault and landing square on her face, the internet shows you funny things you would never have seen otherwise.
Explaining internet memes is one of the hardest things to do.
A quick check of my internet history (doesn’t include private browsing thankfully) and I can safely say that 80% of the sites I access are for things that make me laugh. YouTube, a site that just had loads of pictures of sloths on it, a Google search for ‘funny jokes to tell in awkward social situations’. This is even before delving in to Facebook and how many times I’ve cracked up at the general idiocy of my ‘friends’. Put simply, the World Wide Web is a goldmine when it comes to funnies and I have absolutely no problem admitting that without it the vast majority of my jokes wouldn’t work, I’d have no friends and within 18 months the differences between me and Mr. Bean wouldn’t be that numerable.
The million dollar question.
So what did people do before the internet for LOLS? Force their cats into embarrassing situations whilst shouting funny captions? Switch peoples car cassettes for Rick Astley singles? Watch ‘The Fast Show’ repeats? I honestly can’t remember and I’m 25 years old. All I know is that this crazy thing that has the whole world glued to their computer screens can crease you up quicker than a killer whale sitting on your work shirt and for that we should all be grateful. So, here’s to you internet. You’re like the funny friend I’ve never had and, in all honesty, would never want.
Monday, 27 June 2011
Right, one of my many readers sent me a tweet yesterday asking if I had any Spotify playlists I could share and the answer to that is "Yes indeed I do." So, below you'll find a list of links I've made over the years. Maybe they'll help you when you're sat frozen, with Spotify open, not being able to think of a single song or artist in the universe. I've had times where I've got this Spotify Statue Syndrome (SSS) so bad I've just typed 'good songs' into the search bar. Pathetic. Some are posted from me and some from my old spotify account before I set up this blog.
1. 'Rip This Holy Night' - Best song - Probably 'Papa Was a Rolling Stone' by The Temptations because not only is it the best song on this particular list, it's also the best song on Spotify period. 'It was the third of September/That day I'll always remember/Yes I will.'
2. 'No Horizon Blues' - Best song - Probably 'Cornerstone' by Arctic Monkeys because it's the best song that Morrissey has never written.
4. 'Shadowlands/Daggers' - Best song - Probably 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran because when I play it I flounce around the room as if I'm as light as a feather and possibly studying a drama GCSE or some wack shit. Song does things to me.
5. 'Jetpack Ambition' - Best song - Probably 'To Hell With Good Intentions' by McLusky. Why? Have you heard it?! It's like someone smashing your window in, poking their head through the hole and spitting in your face. This is my most recent effort btw.
Hope you enjoy these and may you not be struck with SSS for at least a couple of hours or so.