Monday, 31 August 2009

Get Arrested On Your Wedding Day*

I feel I should publish a post because what I'm currently doing is a complete and total waste of time. That being looking at various celebrity mugshots on The Smoking Gun, of course. The thing that really gets me about this activity is that I actually do it quite often. It's the same with mass murderers on wikipedia. I can imagine someone finding these things interesting when stumbling across them for the first time but I think that I've looked at both of the aforementioned in last month or something. Damn. Sorry for wasting everyone's bandwidth.

Either way, top three mugshots.

1. The Picture Below - I'm not even going to say who the guy below is. It's kinda obvious if you were once a teenage boy and liked relatively embarrassing 'sports'. Still, he was arrested for allegedly throttling another motorist after getting a bit of the old road rage. Much like the Raekwon cover I posted about the other day, the only way to sum up reacting in that manner to a road rage incident is "That's What I'm Talking About!" Guy cuts you up at a junction or something, it's annoying sure, but what can you do? You might think "Grr I'd like to throttle that irresponsible gent that just railed me like that." I mean we all think about doing things like this but this nature boy actually did it. Hats off. Sure beats a wanker sign coupled with speeding off whilst constantly checking your mirror. WOOOOO.

2. Phil Spector - The most recent shot from the murder trial. Don't even look at me like you need justification for why it's so great. LOOK AT HIS FACE UP THERE. A real life 'LOL' for me, fact fans. LOL: a little kid dropping his ice cream on the floor, people that are really bad on the golf course and Phil Spector's mugshots.

3. Mel Gibson - Not only did he invent a new insult/term of endearment when he called a female cop "Sugar tits" during this arrest but in this mugshot he looks like a cute little dinosaur. Maybe it's just me but that little curl of hair at the front, his angled downwards face, it's totally a Michael Crichton trip. Around these here parts, we love dinosaurs so that's Gibson in at number three. Apologies to Johnny Cash, Andy Dick and Paris Hilton. Close but no smoking gun guys.
*because then you'll be all dressed up and will subsequently look smart and cool in your mugshot. Good idea huh?

Sunday, 23 August 2009

This Is What I'm Talking About!

Raekwon's 'Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II' has been coming out forever but after the brilliant Wu-heavy 'House of Flying Daggers' found its way online a couple of weeks ago it looks like it really is happening this time. Reports that it comes out on the same day as Dre's 'Detox' remain unconfirmed.

When you're waiting and waiting and in this case waaaaiiiitttttiiiinnnnngggg for an album to drop, the little details really start to matter. Like album artwork, for example. Now, I wasn't expecting much when I read that Raekwon had posted the cover on his twitter but when I checked it out my first words were probably 'HOLY SHIT', I don't really remember. Anyway without further ado, how cool is this?!

Imagine pitching the idea of this monster to the powers that be. "Yeah, so erm, I was thinking about going with like kinda an absolutely massive Raekwon just chillin' in Times Square like he's King Kong or summin. Whatcha think huh? Maybe he's ripped off the head of the Statue of Liberty? We could throw that on there too. Walk with me man, I'm going for a C.R.E.A.M vs Godzilla vs King Kong vibe here. It works, no?"

Just awesome.

Raekwon - House of Flying Daggers (ft. Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck & Method Man)

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Care about.

1. Jay -Z - The Blueprint 3
This is going to be dope, wack, fresh, sick, cool, rad and all *that*. We've got the front cover and the tracklist (see above and below - taken from now. There's an awful lot of features on it including Jeezy, Alicia Keys, Cudi and Luke Steele (WTF). Thankfully, Kanye managed to muster up a small amount of ownage on Jay (no homo!) with his verse on 'Run This Town' and here's to all the guest spots being as good as that one. Ye owed him for showing him up on that sick 'Diamonds From Sierra Leone' remix. He's a business, mannnn. Yeah. that one.

Jay-Z is pretty much the man everyone wants to be. What I know of his life (yes, he's got more than 98 problems but still) sounds pretty cool and I reckon I could handle it. I could deal with the rap game, Beyonce being a crazy bitch and talking about how things would be different if she was a boy, the clothes line, the Mets, being tight with Barack - all of it. With all that said, he might actually be putting it all on for the camera. Maybe he spends most of his time watching shopping channels in his underwear whilst eating mini versions of popular ice creams. Wait! That sounds like a really good way to get over that savage Swine Flu. I know, I know.

"Only rapper to rewrite history without a pen..."

Jay-Z - D.O.A. (Death of Autotune)

2. The XMI X-mini II Speaker

I think I might be way behind on this little rogue but mannnn this thing
is crazy cool. Essential details - it's a portable speaker (w/a tidily concealed inbuilt 3.5mm audio connection cable) that you nerds can plug into your Sony Walkman or whatever you use. It's really small, about the size of a 15 month old (approximate guess) baby fist. It charges from a USB connection in about two hours and a full charge lasts for eleven hours, allegedly. I fully intend to find out by listening to a white noise audio track that lasts exactly eleven hours this evening/tomorrrow early morning.

To get this thing cranked you gotta turn the two halves away from each other to reveal a little valve (see below) which, for want of a better term, is really really really cute. It's like a little techno kitten. Hello Kitty I suppose.
These guys have gotta get more marketing game. These things could (and probably should) be massive. This is not a paid advertisement, promise.

Yeah, The key thing about the X Mini II is that it is loud. It's really loud actually. I had 'A Milli' on when I was in the shower earlier and the bass was so on that the little thing was jumping around each time Bangladesh had that thing banging. It was kinda poetic really. I almost felt that through the song and the movement of the speaker, Lil Wayne and I were having a little conversation. It's the closest I've ever felt to Wayne and what with me being a naked little geek in my shower and him being a rap superstar, probably the closest I ever will be (no homo). This thing is like £17 over at amazon. G g g get it bought. What's seventeen pounds? An emotional Will Smith add a tenner, that's what it is.

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 7

I don't know when this will (if at all) air over here in the UK but CYE is one of those programmes that I always forget how much I love until I watch an episode. HBO have posted a few teasers of season 7 on youtube and I'm now officially psyched. That's the word people use isn't it? 'Psyched?' Whatever. Larry David has just got a funny little face hasn't he. He's a bit like a flamingo or something. I can't look at those guys without literally LMAOing. I also cannot believe that these damned fingers just typed LMAO either. Goddamn. On second thoughts though I just remembered the line "I'm on my way to the bank, L M A O..." and Lil Wayne said that and if it's good enough for him...

ANYWAY, yeah. The clip is below but head over to youtube because they've got a fair few over there. Whilst you're there I guarantee that you'll end up looking at about a dozen other old Curb fave moments. "President of hittin' that ass...", Larry doing his cameo for Scorcese, calling the phone directory for Krazee Eyez Killa's number. You know how I roll. If you're me, however, it's far easier to just leave the house and find yourself in your very own Curb Your Enthuasiasm moment. 50% of everything I say is apologies, the other half is a mix of swear words, gutteral sounds and trying to talk like I'm Omar from The Wire. Ya feel me?

EDIT: WTF is up with Marty Funkhouser's voice. He sounds like if you cut his chest open it'd just be one big mess of wires, bolts and LED lights. Marty 5 is Alive! I'd photoshop his face on Johnny 5 from 'Short Circuit' if I could but I can't. Other things I can't do include wiring a plug, back flips and being nice to people on Facebook.

Absolutely Ridiculous But Quite Funny For Anyone Who Isn't Me Update

Yeah. I (half) wrote the below post last week sometime and as you can see I was discussing swine flu and how I didn't care for that mother etc etc. Well, a couple of days after writing those very words I had a knock on the door from karma and she promptly delivered a bout of Swine Flu to the MMDinosaur mailbox. The mother really knocked me out. I had to rest halfway down the stairs to regain my strength FFS. I didn't have the effort in me to complain when my dear family and girlfriend started watching 'Pretty Woman' double FFS. Things were bad. I barely survived and if it wasn't for mini Twister Ice Creams I wouldn't be able to fire these blog posts off into the Endless Vaccuum (that's what I'm referring to the internet as from now on btw).

In short, don't mock swines of any variety cos they'll come back and bite you in the ass and leave you looking like The Penguin from 'Batman Returns'. Maybe that was just me but yeah, Swine flu = serious business. If you gotta hate on something, make it that new Spotify add with Eay-me Mark-Dorn-Ald. "Hi, I'm Amy Macdonald and you can liste.....*injects self with swine flu*

Right. "Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?..I dunnnnoooo...."

The Smiths - Still Ill

Thursday, 13 August 2009

Don't Care About.

1. Kasabian Quarantined In Australia With Swine Flu (from NME).

What route to take with this story? Oh man. It's just too easy isn't it. Quarantined and possibly diseased animals that shouldn't be subjected to the public? The word swine generally? To be honest I think it's easier and more relevant to note how this headline is essentially a list of things I don't care about.

Firstly, poetrenegadeninjalibertineswhatevertheyrefertothemselvesasnow Kasabian. Now Australia, without wanting to cause offense, I don't care about. I went there for a few days and although it looked sunny it was actually really cold. The weather was like an appetising apple (yeah I got that alliteration mayne) that with your first bite reveals a bitten in half maggot and subsequently, your recoiling face. Also, people kept being sick outside this place I stayed at. Seriously, it was like clockwork. I think it was some sort of joke I wasn't in on. Oh oh! There was a hooker that looked exactly like Amy Winehouse too. I say looked like, I mean, Winehouse looks like a hooker anyway so let's just say Amy Winehouse kept loitering outside the vomit house.

Thirdly, is Swine Flu of course. I've capitalised it there because it is super important. People have the NHS helpline on their friends and family numbers, kids are being forbidden from watching Peppa the Pig and some one saying "Swine flu?" after you cough is still HILARIOUS. Still, I don't care about it. Until I'm dying from something, I tend not to care about it. I'm blase like that.

2. Posh Spice Joining The American Idol Panel

Now, I'm not going to say Pop/American Idol is killing music because, well, it isn't is it. There was a lot of shit before these shows and they'll be a whole torrent more after these shows when Simon Cowell is richer than all other men put together and controls Mars by remote control. The 'winners' (oohh check the ironic apostrophes there. Damn bitch.) of these shows are never around for very long and it seems neither are the judges. The show is a testament to the transcience of fame and public opinion more than it is anything else. My personal favourite is of course that Steve huy that won a few years ago who is remembered for nothing other than looking like everybodys Neighbour From Hell (literally) Fred West. Still, if I were to bowl up to my Pop Idol audition and do my thing only to be turned down by a panel including POSH SPICE. As in "As for V she's a real lay-dee...." I wouldn't be too shattered. It's like Andrew Lloyd Webber telling you you're fat and ugly.

EDIT: Look at her in that photo! She looks absolutely ridiculous. I can't imagine knowing someone that looks like that in any capacity. If my hairdresser looked like that, I'd wear a blindfold when I have my haircut. If my window cleaner looked like that, I'd pretend I was out when she was around so I wouldn't have to see her ridiculous face. Oh wait a minute. I do that anyway. For a good reason too. Amount currently owed to window cleaner: £455.

3. Babyshambles Delay Release of Album Due to Industry Slump

So, Music-News, which apparently is a website about *checks* oh wow! music news, is running this story about Babyshambles not releasing their new album because the industry is "tired" and that "...people have got bored because there's a generic sound" these days. Now, I don't know when they see that this slump will subside so they can come out all eyes rolling like a cracky mole into the summer air with new release in hand but, for me, there isn't ever really going to be a window of opportunity for Babyshambles. In fact, there never was. I saw them at my freshers ball and that was one terrible night. They were dreadful, I had no date, I couldn't get drunk. Man. I think the only highlight was that there was no piss on the seat when I went to use the portaloo and that has NOTHING to do with Babyshambles. I can guarantee that.

Obligatory photo of Peter looking like a cracky zombie for you there. It is actually harder to find a 'nice' photo of Pete Doherty than it is one like that. 'Pete Doherty looking nice and wholesome' is not a GIS that is performed very often. In fact, Google probably get more searches on smiling werewolves and 'Cool guy George Bush' than they do 'Pete Doherty looking nice and wholesome'.