Wednesday, 29 June 2011

What Made Us Laugh Before The Internet?


I mean, what?

The internet, the internet, the internet. Never has a deep, dark and wholly immoral pit been so multi coloured and alluring. It’s like a direct contrast to those sex shops you’d see around town in the early 90s with completely whitewashed windows and a sign that simply read ‘Private Shop’. Still, for all its perversion, lack of censorship and inaccurate Wikipedia entries that are ruining homework up and down the land, there is one thing it is still amazingly good at and that’s making us laugh. Or LOL. It all depends on how old you are.


May as well have a sign outside that says 'SHOP FOR PERVERTS'.


If you ever read any columns about the internet and how it has impacted on our society you’ll often read about how this mass sharing of easily accessible information is educating us all in the ways of our world or how this all-encompassing network is bringing this globe of ours closer together as it bulldozes social boundaries and smashes all ideologies that stand in its way. For me, though, I think the vast majority of us log on to look at things that ya know, just make us chuckle. Whether it’s that bunny with that pancake on its head or a high school gymnast attempting a somersault and landing square on her face, the internet shows you funny things you would never have seen otherwise.


Explaining internet memes is one of the hardest things to do.


A quick check of my internet history (doesn’t include private browsing thankfully) and I can safely say that 80% of the sites I access are for things that make me laugh. YouTube, a site that just had loads of pictures of sloths on it, a Google search for ‘funny jokes to tell in awkward social situations’. This is even before delving in to Facebook and how many times I’ve cracked up at the general idiocy of my ‘friends’. Put simply, the World Wide Web is a goldmine when it comes to funnies and I have absolutely no problem admitting that without it the vast majority of my jokes wouldn’t work, I’d have no friends and within 18 months the differences between me and Mr. Bean wouldn’t be that numerable.


The million dollar question.


So what did people do before the internet for LOLS? Force their cats into embarrassing situations whilst shouting funny captions? Switch peoples car cassettes for Rick Astley singles? Watch ‘The Fast Show’ repeats? I honestly can’t remember and I’m 25 years old. All I know is that this crazy thing that has the whole world glued to their computer screens can crease you up quicker than a killer whale sitting on your work shirt and for that we should all be grateful. So, here’s to you internet. You’re like the funny friend I’ve never had and, in all honesty, would never want.

Monday, 27 June 2011

If You've Got Some Fire, Share It.


SSS brings another man to tears.

Right, one of my many readers sent me a tweet yesterday asking if I had any Spotify playlists I could share and the answer to that is "Yes indeed I do." So, below you'll find a list of links I've made over the years. Maybe they'll help you when you're sat frozen, with Spotify open, not being able to think of a single song or artist in the universe. I've had times where I've got this Spotify Statue Syndrome (SSS) so bad I've just typed 'good songs' into the search bar. Pathetic. Some are posted from me and some from my old spotify account before I set up this blog.


Crisp and cut. Crisp and damn cut.

1. 'Rip This Holy Night' - Best song - Probably 'Papa Was a Rolling Stone' by The Temptations because not only is it the best song on this particular list, it's also the best song on Spotify period. 'It was the third of September/That day I'll always remember/Yes I will.'



Sheffield and I.

2. 'No Horizon Blues' - Best song - Probably 'Cornerstone' by Arctic Monkeys because it's the best song that Morrissey has never written.


Ay yo Jay. Where'd ya lil brother get his tie from?

3. 'Believing baby, we believing' - Best song - Probably 'Money Ain't a Thang' by Jay-Z & Jermaine Dupri because it's so good to cruise around to jus' runnin' errands and ting. I don't give a shit what car you got bro, get this on and ride around shining.


If you want an ordinary world, get an office job, Duran Duran.

4. 'Shadowlands/Daggers' - Best song - Probably 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran because when I play it I flounce around the room as if I'm as light as a feather and possibly studying a drama GCSE or some wack shit. Song does things to me.


When we gonna get excited?

5. 'Jetpack Ambition' - Best song - Probably 'To Hell With Good Intentions' by McLusky. Why? Have you heard it?! It's like someone smashing your window in, poking their head through the hole and spitting in your face. This is my most recent effort btw.

Hope you enjoy these and may you not be struck with SSS for at least a couple of hours or so.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Glastonbury Without The Mud.



Jo Whiley making us all sad just out of shot.

That's me every year. Just sitting in various positions on my armchair watching Glastonbury on TV. I've never been. I should go and I'm sure I will one day but it's the whole buying tickets a year before it happens and being disorganised and there's a million other reasons but yeah, I normally watch a fair bit of it inbetween periods of muting my TV when Jo Whiley and/or Fearne Cotton come on.

Here's a few of my observations from watching Glastonbury this year:

- The crowds are getting bigger and younger every single year. Paul Simon was on earlier and the crowd went back so far the people at the back were stood in Wales. It was ridiculous. Paul Simon is about 3ft tall too, there could've been a midget playing a Paul Simon CD on a stereo on stage and the back of the crowd would know no different. Also, the front say eight rows of most of the acts this year have had a mean age of 14.8 years. These youngsters are talking nostalgically about The Libertines for God's sake.

- Bono just needs a goatee to complete his transformation into David Brent. Seriously, you can't do double leather at any age, let alone when you're about 50 and wearing a pair of sunglasses AT NIGHT AND IN THE RAIN that look like they were given away free with 'Heat' magazine.

- The lead singer from Biffy Clyro use to sign on at my local job centre. Either that or he looks exactly like 85% of people that attend that particular cathedral of charity.

- Dimunitive Janelle Monae was an absolute MONSTER last night. She deserves to go stratospheric and there's been a real wave of interest (#1 on iTunes, trending topic) off the back of that performance. Good on her 'cos she's fantastic and deserves it all.

- It's far easier to listen to Wu Tang than it is to watch them. One reason mainly - I will never be able to look at Method Man without thinking about Cheese from 'The Wire'. It's ruining the otherwise fantastic spectacle of some men that really haven't aged well loving their lives and playing some absolutely savage next-level-shit-genre-changing songs.

- I was hoping so hard that Jay would come out when Coldplay played 'Lost!' that my head started hurting. Massively underrated verse of his but yeah, he didn't come out and I was left with nothing but Chris Martin laying on the stage reeling out those poetic lines 'You might be a big fish in a little pond/doesn't mean you've won/cos they'll only come/a bigger one." Like Keats or Bob Dylan but a million times better. ish.

- Beyonce is going to own this tonight. In fact, I'd rather watch her play 'Halo', 'Crazy In Love' or 'If I Were a Boy' once than I would watch U2 play a set of my choosing, in my own front room, whilst a hareem of beautiful women write out the winning lottery numbers for the next 12 weeks.

I'll be live tweeting the Beyonce set so follow me if you don't already you little miseries.

Monday, 6 June 2011

The 5 Best Lines From The New Arctic Monkeys Record



Wish this was the album cover.

The Arctic Monkeys released their fourth album 'Suck It and See' today and I've listened to it quite a few times already. The album, of course, suffers from the usual Arctic Monkeys afflictions. That being that the artwork is totally shit and the title is even worse. Seriously, four albums in and these guys have a 100% brown record when it comes to a) album covers and b) album titles specifically. Are they getting too much freedom from their record label? Am I hideously out of kilter here? SUCK IT AND SEE. It's awful. It sounds like a dreadful attempt at grabbing a reader's attention that you'd expect to see in a feature on healthy lollipops in 'More' magazine or something. Yes or it could be blowjobs. Thanks for that The Sun readers.

Still, I really love this band and I particularly Alex Turner's lyrics. Mainly because he never writes the line you think he's going to. Bloke always keeps you guessing and has a great talent for a comic throw off when you least expect it. See also Morrissey, Stephen Patrick. So, instead of spinning some great yarn of an album review for you that makes little sense (leave that to the guardian, of course) Imma gunna highlight five Turner gems I've picked up on today. Spittin' dat Sheffield fire.

1. "And did you ever get the feeling that these were things she said before/her steady hands may well have done the devil's pedicure." - The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala

I love the romantic paranoia in this line - it's just such a sideways way of wondering whether someone should be trusted or not. Who knows what she's got up to in the past hey Alex? Plus the image of the devil having a pedicure. That's ridiculous right? Like that bastard gives a hoot about personal hygiene! He's too busy kicking about with Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell doing his work.

2.
"And I don't mean to rain on anybody's cabriolet.." - 'Black Treacle'

On my first listen to this song I remember approaching this line thinking "Oh God. 'Parade' really isn't going to fit at the end of the line Alex. Whatcha gonna do bro?" and then before I knew it slap! bang! Turner throws in a 'cabriolet'. I haven't heard that word for ages. In fact, I don't think anyone other than used car dealers has spoken that word for decades. Convertible, soft-top, topless. Yeah, all of those but cabriolet? That's an eighties thing and if there's one thing you do not want when you're in your cabriolet, well, it's being rained on.

3. "You look like you've been to breakfast at the Heartbreak Hotel." - 'Piledriver Waltz'

Nice image this one. I've been thinking all day about what would actually be on the menu at that lovesick residence down at the end of lonely street and I think I've finally arrived at an answer: it would be something traditionally good (like love, i suppose) but served without a vital part (like a willing partner to share it with, I presume). I therefore conclude that on the menu at Heartbreak Hotel would be things like cereal with no milk or just dry ass toast. Man, heartbreak tastes just horrible.

4.
"I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is I need/call up to listen to the voice of reason/and got his answering machine." - 'Reckless Serenade'

Could Turner be accused of trying to be too clever here? Perhaps. Still, that half rhyme of 'need' and 'machine' works fantastically well in the song. I can't help but wish that this lyric were true though because on most occasions the voice of reason in your life is usually someone self appointed and my God, they are never on answer machine. Even when you want them to be.

5. "Give me an eenie meenie minee mo/or an ip dip dog shit rock 'n roll." - 'Library Pictures'

I've included this line solely because it made me LOL when I heard it for the first time. I think it was the mix of a childhood rhyme I hadn't heard for fifteen years coupled with thoughts of dog shit rock 'n roll. Or 'Download Festival' as it is more commonly known.

Anyway, good job Arctic Monkeys. Good job Alex Turner. A big band that sells a lot of records, yes, but a band that makes music they want to make on their, aesthetically displeasing cover wise, terms.

Arctic Monkeys - The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala


'Makes me wanna blow the candles out just to see if you glow in the dark.'