Saturday, 7 May 2011

Reviewing Films Without Watching Them #2

Films now just aren't what they were in my day.

A while ago I was moaning (what else is new?) about how dismal the cinema listings were looking that week. I then went on to write about each film and how I'd hate it before actually watching it and in most cases, generally knowing very little about the premise or anything else about the picture. Dismissive? yes. Uninformed? yes. Surprising thing for me to do? absolutely not.

Same thing is happening now readers, the films currently being advertised all look shit. Here's a brief rundown of what's on at the moment, what I expect from each film and why I won't be watching any of them. Ignorance is the only bliss.


Nice hammer Thor. No euphemism.

We all know the story of Thor. Double hard bastard god with a big hammer who, department wise back then, was in charge of thunder and lightning and all that. Trusted educational resource Wikipedia also reliably informs me that the day before Friday, Thursday as we call it, is actually named after Thor. Literally. It's Thor's day. Nice useless factoid to remember for the next time you're at a pub quiz and your iPhone is out of battery so you can't google answers.

Anyway, they've made a film about Thor and it's imaginatively titled 'Thor'. It stars that kid up there in the picture Originally I thought it was going to be a 'Troy' type thing with a massive budget that although faithful to the times it was set, turns out to be bloody boring but guess what? Thor isn't like that. Oh no. Apparently Thor gets banished from wherever he lives, let's say heaven because I don't really know, and has to go and live in modern day Mexico City. A novel idea which doesn't completely inspire me, I must say. I'm guessing there's a couple of LOL scenes where Thor plays Mario Kart for the first time or goes in an elevator or something but I'd prefer this film if it was realistic about this situation. By this I mean, imagine if you were transported from centuries ago to this day and age. Just imagine it. Like you just woke up and BANG! It's 2011. Let's be honest, you'd probably be able to just about work out how to get the TV on. You'd then see some steaming turd like 'Jersey Shore' or 'My Super Sweet 16' and probably end up smashing your Thor hammer into your face to end the agony as quick as you physically could.

Reach for the stars.

I don't think that this new film, 'Hanna', is about Hannah from S Club. I could be wrong and I apologise if I am but Hannah has been out of the spotlight for so long now I just cannot see how it would make commercial sense to make a film about her today. With this said, I literally have no idea what this film is about. Why does Hollywood adore being so abstract in their film titles? Really does my head in, I must say. I think all films should have descriptive titles so you know what you're getting. This is why I adore the Scary/Date/Epic movie spoof series so much. Don't even get me started about that time I took a girl on a FIRST DATE to watch 'The Ring' because I thought it was going to be about jewellery. That was the longest night of my life and I never saw her again, in case you hadn't guessed.

Water for Elephants

Big kill for a human vampire that. Hats off.

This film is about Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon working in a circus and falling in love through "their shared compassion of a special elephant". Sounds weepy this one, doesn't it? I'm staying well clear for that very reason. Man do I hate crying in public. Not because I'm embarrassed I'd like to stress, more because it runs my mascara like a demon. There is one reason why I would like to see this though - finally I would be able to use my "Heard an actress was murdered last night - Reese something..." "Witherspoon?" "No, it was with a super sharp machete actually" joke. Every cloud...

Slight aside but is Robert Pattinson the luckiest actor working? I've not seen him in anything other than 'Remember Me' (shout out for having the worst ending to a film I've ever seen aside from 'The Village') but in that he was so far beyond wooden he was like, erm, MDF. Also, he isn't that good looking either is he? Serious replies only please. If you're under 15 and/or a vampire, you need not apply.


New decade. Same shit.

It's films like this that make you want to be a recluse, staying well away from the cinema at all times. Seriously, this is the FOURTH scream film. FOURTH. Peter Jackson wrapped up 'Lord of The Rings' in three films, just to give you a bit of perspective. The strapline on all the advertising for this film is "NEW DECADE, NEW RULES!" as you can see on that poster I've attached. We all know the premise already though, don't we? There's a murderer dicking about with Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette. It's normally someone they know when the killer is unmasked at the end of the film, Scooby Doo style. The police are normally particularly pathetic and the ruthless maniac always wears that Asda Hallowe'en aisle mask. I can honestly feel myself running out of steam just typing about this film. To put it another way, there's another long running shitchise with a film out at the moment and I'd rather see that than this. Yes I'm talking about 'Fast and Furious'.

Winnie The Pooh

Why doesn't he ever wear any pants?

Game over. I'd actually quite like to see this.

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