Monday, 28 March 2011

The State of The Cinema Today

Annoying 15 year olds texting and being 15 and annoying out of shot.

I usually go to the cinema fairly often. I like it. I like the whole process of it. Sitting in the dark for a couple of hours, eating/drinking some unhealthy stuff, coming out and being amazed when you look at your watch each and every time. It's really pleasureable. This all depends, of course, on what film you watch. Usually, I find that there's something to watch. I'm not talking the best film you've ever seen here, oh no, more just a film that you can passably watch for a couple of hours which you can then call "alright" when you leave. The latest big credible release usually sates my desires - recently The Fighter, Black Swan, Inception etc etc. If nothing like that is on, the reserve list can include many things. Some of those Judd Apatow films that are all very similar are okay, the odd indie film can be interesting from time to time and animation films often are pretty entertaining.

There's a reason I'm sounding so disinterested here - I wanted to go to the cinema tonight. Or at least I wanted to go to the cinema until I saw the goddamn listings. Now, I'm one to judge a film outright without knowing nothing about it so here's my rundown of what's on at the cinema at the moment. It's dire.

Retirement taxi for De Niro!

This film stars Bradley Cooper and that old bloke. Bradley Cooper I find impossibly smug and I've only ever seen him in 'The Hangover' - a film I watched sat motionless waiting for LOLs that never arrived. 'Limitless' is about a guy (Bradley Cooper) who somehow discovers a pill that allows him to create a perfect version of himself. I'm guessing he makes himself attractive to women, good at untraceable crimes and probably pretty dope at backflips too. Either way, he'll be doing it to a cinema audience that doesn't include my slacker ass.

Battle: Los Angeles

Why can't aliens be hellbent on destroying Hollywood studios?

Seriously? C'mon. "Earth is attacked by unknown forces hellbent on destruction..." is something I just read about this thing. How many times must Hollywood roll this shit out and more importantly, who is still paying to watch this sort of dreck? I honestly can't believe it. Can I just also say here that I saw 'War of The Worlds' at the cinema and was firmly siding with the alien robots or whatever those things after Tom Cruise and his family were. Doesn't he believe that aliens gave birth to the first human in the heart of a mountain anyway? Why not turn that into a film whilst you're at it Tom? Huh?

Give me strength.

This has got Richard Blackwood in it.


"We've got how much in our joint account?!"

The best review I found of this film online was from the New York Daily News and they wrote "A decent comedy, good-natured if unspecial, amusing if rarely hilarious." Now, to me, that's pretty much how I'd review someone's Grandad. Old blokes are usually pretty funny aren't they? I mean, they don't have you rolling in the aisles but they might say something un-PC which you might chuckle at. That's how I feel about Paul. It's probably alright but if I wanted to be mildly amused I'd go and eat some Spam fritters with your Grandad. Plus, these two have far too much money and I'd rather not contribute anymore thanyouverymuch,


I've been cracking up at this face for about five minutes. Ha. Look at him!

Aight, I'll give you this one. This actually does look pretty cool and if it was on at the right time I would've seen it. This film is about a cowboy lizard. I'm down with things like that. Tom Cruise probably is too but only because he probably believes cowboy lizards created the heavens and the earth. Someone on metacritic has given this film a rating of 0/100 because they went to see it for their son's 7th birthday and it was appropriate. Things like that get me down. For example, say I had a son andsay I took him to the cinema to see a film called 'Cock Wars' expecting it to be about an innocent flick about cartoon chicken fights...and it wasn't. Say instead it was a hardcore porno, well, I'd be shocked and appalled but I'd still probably give it 1/100 on metacritic. ZERO OUT OF A HUNDRED. Come on man..

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