Glastonbury Without The Mud.

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Jo Whiley making us all sad just out of shot.

That's me every year. Just sitting in various positions on my armchair watching Glastonbury on TV. I've never been. I should go and I'm sure I will one day but it's the whole buying tickets a year before it happens and being disorganised and there's a million other reasons but yeah, I normally watch a fair bit of it inbetween periods of muting my TV when Jo Whiley and/or Fearne Cotton come on.

Here's a few of my observations from watching Glastonbury this year:

- The crowds are getting bigger and younger every single year. Paul Simon was on earlier and the crowd went back so far the people at the back were stood in Wales. It was ridiculous. Paul Simon is about 3ft tall too, there could've been a midget playing a Paul Simon CD on a stereo on stage and the back of the crowd would know no different. Also, the front say eight rows of most of the acts this year have had a mean age of 14.8 years. These youngsters are talking nostalgically about The Libertines for God's sake.

- Bono just needs a goatee to complete his transformation into David Brent. Seriously, you can't do double leather at any age, let alone when you're about 50 and wearing a pair of sunglasses AT NIGHT AND IN THE RAIN that look like they were given away free with 'Heat' magazine.

- The lead singer from Biffy Clyro use to sign on at my local job centre. Either that or he looks exactly like 85% of people that attend that particular cathedral of charity.

- Dimunitive Janelle Monae was an absolute MONSTER last night. She deserves to go stratospheric and there's been a real wave of interest (#1 on iTunes, trending topic) off the back of that performance. Good on her 'cos she's fantastic and deserves it all.

- It's far easier to listen to Wu Tang than it is to watch them. One reason mainly - I will never be able to look at Method Man without thinking about Cheese from 'The Wire'. It's ruining the otherwise fantastic spectacle of some men that really haven't aged well loving their lives and playing some absolutely savage next-level-shit-genre-changing songs.

- I was hoping so hard that Jay would come out when Coldplay played 'Lost!' that my head started hurting. Massively underrated verse of his but yeah, he didn't come out and I was left with nothing but Chris Martin laying on the stage reeling out those poetic lines 'You might be a big fish in a little pond/doesn't mean you've won/cos they'll only come/a bigger one." Like Keats or Bob Dylan but a million times better. ish.

- Beyonce is going to own this tonight. In fact, I'd rather watch her play 'Halo', 'Crazy In Love' or 'If I Were a Boy' once than I would watch U2 play a set of my choosing, in my own front room, whilst a hareem of beautiful women write out the winning lottery numbers for the next 12 weeks.

I'll be live tweeting the Beyonce set so follow me if you don't already you little miseries.