46 Million People Doing Nothing.

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Take a grenade for me Bruno. No really, please do.

I don't normally do posts like this. I've always tried to be constructive when I post and when I don't like something I might poke fun but I try not to hate too much on people because we're all - aside from Matt Bellamy - human. This right here is an exception though. Yep, I'm finally making one of those "oh look at the charts. Aren't they just awful?" posts. I really hate to because I love good pop music and you all know that. This song right here, however, is far from good. This song is so spectacularly bad that when I heard it for the first time I forgot who I was and all I stood for momentarily. I started talking in tongues and spinning on my head like Mark Owen use to do when Take That first came out. I don't know what came over me but I did know I didn't like it and that I wanted it to stop. Luckily, even Bruno Mars stops.

Funny chilled bloke.

A good opening couplet can grab the attention and hold it for the rest of a lifetime and the history of music is littered with songs with stunning opening lines. One soft infested summer me and Terry became friends/Trying in vain to breathe the fire we was born in Bruce once sang to open up 'Backstreets'. That line I've listed there I think about without hesitation when anyone mentions opening lyrics. It sets the tone for that song, that incredible album and the relationships born out of sheer desperation and a rabid desire for freedom that play out over it's eight tracks. You'd be hard pushed to say the same about Today I don't feel like doing anything/I just wanna lay in my bed. In fact, when I heard this SHIT for the first time earlier I honestly thought it was an advert jingle for a bed company. Is there a bed version of DFS that has a sale on 365 days of the year with 0% interest for 17 years. Actually, does DFS sell beds? Who knows? Who cares? You know what I'm getting at. Bruno Mars has written a song that belongs on an advert that stars Linda Barker. That's more damning than any number of words I can right here.

Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants/Nobody's gon' tell me I can't. Ohh. You tell 'em Bruno. You're your own man now and you don't care what they all say. You go Rage Against The Machine up in here wit yo hand down your pants man. Play with that cock of yours and wear your snuggie and damn what anyone else thinks.

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

I'm gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants
Nobody's gon' tell me I can't

I'll be lounging on the couch just chilling in my Snuggie
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man
Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

Nothing at all, nothing at all

Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)
Yeah, I might mess around
And get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait
Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
No, I ain't gonna comb my hair
'Cause I ain't going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
I'll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all

So, what purpose does this song serve? Is it one for kids to play from their tinny phone speakers in the park this summer? Probably not. It's certainly not a party banger nor is it an emotional one that 16 year old girls can quote on their facebook status when their first boyfriend dumps them in favour of their "less frigid" mate. There's only one mental image I get when listening to this song in terms of context and I'll tell you what it is right here. I can imagine some daytime radio twat like Vernon Kay or Fearne Cot Death saying something like "This one goes out to all of you just chillaxin' around the crib for the day. Put your trackies on, get the telly on and make a cuppa - it's Bruno Mars." Awful.

The whole concept behind the tone of this thing too. Think about how Mars's singles so far have been either love songs or emotional break up songs. You can just see some idiot marketing guy going "We need something less serious. We need to show Bruno's fun side too cos boy can he do fun!" This is Bruno Mars having fun. He loves people the way they are, he's not superficial. He'd take a grenade for others, he's obsessed dedicated and look at him now! He's only bloody chilled out and LOL too. What a guy!

Seriously, to hell with Bruno Mars and to hell with this song. Sometimes there's good stuff in the charts, sometimes there's shit in the charts but the shit I can usually understand. It's a bit like prawns really. I think they taste and look utterly vile but I can see the attraction for others. Some people just dig a fishy treat that looks like an alien that will one day rule our world. I get why little girls might like The Wanted. I get why people buy N-Dubz albums but this sort of thing, I'm sorry, I'm waving the white flag here. It beats me. I'm done. Dead and gone.

Oh yeah, this has 46 million views on youtube, in case you were wondering.